now confessing...

Hold the phone...two blog posts in one day?!!  So, I posted the last post as I was spending some time with God.  I've been listening to a study about spiritual gifts lately (anybody else a closet sermon listener?) and I've discovered that my primary spiritual gift is most likely prophecy.  Don't get the wrong idea, not prophecy like an old man with beard whose eyes roll back in his head and he speaks in an eerie voice...nope not like that.  (Whew! You can breathe easier now.)  No, prophecy in the sense that God has put a deep need in me to deliver the word of God to the people in a relevant way.

I'm writing a second post because I realized after posting the other one that it seems a lot like I've got my stuff all together and I'm telling all "you" people that you need to get yours together.  I thought I'd go ahead and clear that up :-)  Drum roll please....  I don't have it together.  Nope, sure don't.  And contrary to popular belief, the title of pastor's wife doesn't come with the added bonus of your stuff somehow getting itself together.  Wouldn't that be nice!  :-)

God softly spoke after that last post and reminded me that anyone can write a devotional.  It's not bad to write a devotion.  In fact, it's great, especially if it brings clarity to someone's relationship with God.  However, God's call for me in writing this blog is to bring his word to people with a big side helping of transparency.  That's hard.

So, I thought that while I thought through my sins, I'd list some out for you to look through and see if it rings a bell with you.  Keep in mind, I'm coming up with this list after praying and then listening.

• I like to do things my own way, thinking I know better than God.  This is wrong because it is worshipping myself instead of God.
• Once I do things my own way I get mad when things aren't how I hoped they'd be, then I turn and complain to God...earning me the title of being ungrateful.
• I tend to think that what I've got to do during a certain day is more important than spending time with God and re-aligning my heart to him through reading his word.  This is also worshipping myself and my to-do list rather than taking time to recognize and worship God daily.
• I let my priorities get out of whack too often.  I find myself throwing all of my effort into work and neglecting my family when I know God has called me to first care for my husband and family, and then work with what's leftover.  Once again I'm worshipping something other than God: a job...thinking it will give me worth instead of finding my worth in God.
• It's hard for me to rest.  I struggle deeply with taking a sabbath.  Upon reflection, I realize this is telling God once again that I know how to do things better than He does, and once again worshipping myself.
• Too often I find myself talking less than honorably about someone.  It pains me so much to admit it.  I've been the victim of slander and felt its stab, so it's incredulous that I'd do it to someone else.  God calls us to love each other, especially our brothers and sister in Christ.  I hate this one with a passion.  
• On average, I worry more about how I appear on the outside to other people, than how my heart is on the inside...which means I'm putting people's approval of me on the throne, which is where God should be.  
• I can be so selfish.  I can put my needs and desires above others so quickly.  This is definitely not how God wants me to be.  
• Too often instead of honoring and caring for my husband, I find myself nagging or talking to him in a less than honorable way. Ugh!  He is the biggest blessing in my life outside of what Christ did to me.  Why would I ever treat him as anything except that?  More importantly, I'm directly disobeying God's word which commands me to honor my husband.

I'm sure that as long as I could sit here, I could think of sins to list...and it pains me to realize what a sinful person I am, but it's also good.  It's good because I realize how much I miss the mark of being holy, and therefore my great need for a savior.  Does this list make you feel any better?  I hope it does.  We're all messed up.  But God loves us too much to let us stay that way if we'll only surrender to Him.  Aren't you glad God desires to make beautiful things out of us?

If any of this is something you wanna talk about, or just want someone else praying for you, email me at starbygrace@gmail.com.  I'd be honored to hear from you!